The Joys of Living at Home

There are many many many wonderful things to be said about moving back home. There is the joy of being around family, having home cooked meals & the left overs, and lots of giggles while watching Friends or The Office. I really do honestly love being back. But I still love living in Balitmore more - shhhh don't tell

Last night as I was finally feeling better, one of my good guy friends from the cities came down to watch a movie and hang out. It was really sweet of him to come down and see my house and spend sometime with my parents and all that. My parents went off to the carriage house to watch a movie and we started ours. It started getting late so of course so i told him to stay and drive back (he lives an hour away, yes everything is an hour away) in the morning.

So CA came back in the house after the movie and while we're in the kitchen (thankgoodness out of each shoot from said friend) I told her, friend was staying the night.
And knowing the next words out of her mouth would be, "Great I'll fix up the couch". I just said, "Oh no big deal friend will just sleep in my bed". (It's a king size & I'm pretty small)
She responded, "Oh I didn't know you and friend were intimate".

It was one of those things that you look at your parent and think really how in the world am I suposed to respond to that statement?

I still CRACK up laughing thinking about all the different things I could have said. Later I just told her that she was sending me mixed messaged. You know one day telling me all about how she wants grandchildren and then the next putting up a little protest about me sleeping in bed with a boy. And she's a nurse so she knows how that all has to work. It's just not good parenting.


**Disclaimer** In order to continue to love living at home, I did get CA's permission to blog this story. But you can still feel free to tease her about it...

Updates!

Well first off apologies for not writing yesterday seems i was all worried about nothing exciting happening that someone decided i needed some more excitement in my life. Yesterday was a pretty hard day, i spiked a 101 fever in the afternoon and this soon after chemo - that's not a good thing. So off to the doctor we went per oncologist orders. Well I'm sure they loved me there... all i wanted to do was sleep through the exam. I was also quite stubborn about having to walk the 10 ft to the bathroom and to the chair to get my blood drawn... both things i think could have fully been accomplished while lying down. Well maybe...

After the doc exam, i had to sit up and breathe it was horrible, they decided x-rays were necessary. I was like great you can just move that big machine right over my body and put that lead thing over me... although i do already have cancer... but oh no they require you to stand. Who thought of that!?!?! And did they not understand. I guess when i kept collapsing they sorta started to get it. It's not like i was trying to make my body feel like it was on fire or black out... know what it was... probably that damn shot they gave me in my a**, i hear that makes people back out all the time. Help me understand how i could have shown them more value in keeping me in the horizontal position...

More medical highlights from the doc - fever spiked at 102.8, they think it might be phenmonuia (and no i'm not getting that because it's cold in MN), my white blood cell count is .93 and normal is around 10, and i'm another 10lbs ligher. Wow - those are qutie the stats, all that football watching is wearing off...

So that was the super fun adventure at the downtown clinic in Red Wing. I was happy to get home and not assume a vertical position untill today. Today has been better I've still had a fever all day but at least my energy is beginning to come back a little bit & I showered (dang being stinky). I hope tomorrow will be even better and that the antibaoticos will keep kicking whatever infection i have in my body.

Hoping Something Happens

Having a blog is kinda funny - because you have to write about something. Which implies that something has to happen. And lately with me, that really hasn't been the case.

(Yes there was the whole first round of chemo...but come on... even US weekly has moved on to putting someone other than Sarah Palin on the front cover).

Yesterday was an awesome day though. First day out of house since the first round and it was beautiful. I went for a wonderful Harley bike ride out to lunch and then on a fun walk with the puppies. **Piper - I totally get know what you mean when you say Moses walks you.** Then we had one of the most beautiful fires in MY backyard fire pit, complete with best friends Anna & Tonia, Mom & Jeff, Mojitos (I abstained! thank you!) and an awesome view of the stars. Baltimore city still has a ways to go to compete with that view...

All in all I am feeling better and more back to myself. I equate it to just one of those Saturdays where you just lay around the house because you just don't quite have the energy... :) So I just try to stay as honest and true to my body - walking when i can, stretching to keep limber, resting when I'm tired and all in all staying strong!

P.S. I would just like to apologize to someone who once told me he could not stand straight, bend over and touch his feet... I'm now in that boat and wish to retract my previous snicker & judgement! Pretty soon he'll be running FULL marathons around me...

Home Town Photos

The Best Coffee in Red Wing

See, Gustavus really does exist!

Pretty Red Wing! Down by the River

Back!

Bright Green seems like quite the cheery color for this occasion! So I'm back from the dead... or at least it feels like it.

The past 72 hours have been quite the roller coaster ride and not like the kind they have at Valley Fair (which is soon turning into ValleySCARE - if that entices any one to come and visit!)

So after Thursday night, there wasn't anything very exciting to report. Friday was better - only because i was able to just completely sleep through the entire thing. It's just easier if you're not watching the painfully slow drip or the needle in your hand...Not even the cable TV (which we do not have at Chateau de CA) or the popclices could keep me awake. Saturday was more sleeping. We did have to run to Urgent Care to get a shot of Neulasta (not the sleeping med) to get my white blood cell count up. It's quite the standard follow up shot so nothing to noteworthy there...

It was great to have some fun visitors over the weekend. Cal was home and Jules came down from the cities. Although i felt bad that i slept through most of their visits...

Today I was finally feeling a little bit better (hence being able to sit up for more than 3 mins & blog). I sat out side for a while this morning & even had a craving for a certain pumpkin beverage... CA has also been quite influencial in making sure i'm setting (& achieving) goals each day. Ummm seems that crazy EQ is just rubbing off on everyone these days. Happy to report that I have now sucessfully accomplished all 3 today

1. Shower - I was kinda becoming the stinky kid...
2. Read 1 chapter in my book - What Should I do with My life?
3. Blog
4. Also I did about 20 min of Cat/Cow, Forward Fold and Child's Pose to help with my 93 yr old back...

WOW look at me still being an over achiever :)

I miss everyone so much & can't wait to personally catch up with each one of you. All the texts, calls & cards are SOOOOOOOO APPRECIATED!

Day 1 of 12

I can't fucking believe i have to do this shit again tomorrow.

And then 10 more times after that... I'm in definite need of some sort of apple count down poster with a large stick & marker...

Its so hard to let them poke you and prod you when you know you're just going to feel shitty in a about an hour. Plus some of them can't even poke that well... I know & completely understand that's what makes you better in the long run. But it seems so counter intuitive to let people make you feel worse before they make you feel better.

Plus what is with the nurses... they all walk in and ask "How are you feeling?"

What in the F kind of trick question is that? So it seems the aproppriate response would be "Fine" as most people say - but then my question is who the fuck is fine in that situation? (Correct Answer - NO ONE!) Plus they know what they're putting in you... And it's not a drug for the plecibo effect...

But then when you say something along the lines of "Eh a little tired" it's like the thought on their face is like "common who isn't, i mean I'm at work too..." so mostly i just keep that thought to my self & share it with everyone online :)

So the last guy that came in and asked me (Disclaimer - i was on A LOT of drugs by that point) He was like "How ya feeling?" and i said does anyone every just flat out say "shitty". He kinda laughed and was like yea... ya they do sometimes. SO that's how i feel groggy, drugged, exhausted, tired, all around just kinda shitty.

And just in case anyone out there thinks I'm complaining... I'm not - just giving open, honest & direct feedback to what I'm going though :) Thank you for all the texts, cards & phone calls in support of today! It's helped more than you will know... Off to another day of battle tomorrow - don't worry my Team Annie shirt is the perfect Armor!!!

Short Hair

SHORT HAIR!!!!
Okay so it's true... I don't look like a boy

Thoughts

Night is a strange part of our day
There isn't much to interrupt our thoughts
'cept the anxious crickets and the intrusive moon
Minutes seem like hours
And a mania that would be a coward during the day finds false courage at night

You can't think straight
But your thoughts are your only crocked guide
Leading you to a reality that no one should have to realize
And just because you don't think about it
It doesn't slow it's coming

And it's not that you hate the night
The indescribable splashes of color during the sunset
And the magical beauty shining from the stars
You just wish the day didn't have to end so soon

The Last Hur-rah!

The rest of the trip to MI was AMAZING! The wedding couldn't have been more beautiful - despite the monsoonal type down pour that occurred 79% of the day. Coli & Jon's families and friends were so much fun to be around - especially my aisle date Jason. However i did not catch the bouquet (not that it was thrown) and resisted all urges to run out and drag a man down the aisle. The highlight of the trip was probably when i bit an unknown and unsuspecting man in the back after consuming 5 dirty martini's at the grooms dinner...ummmm... well in my defense i hadn't had dinner yet AND it was my last big night out for a while :) And it's not like i ripped his shirt or left a bruise on his arm...

The trip back home was quite an experience - mostly i slept in the back seat due to sever exhaustion of being out danced by the bride and the torture corset dress... (think Carol Ann with the alterations lady continually saying "i think it needs to be a little tighter...grrrrrrrrrr) Oh and then there was the whole we almost drowned in Gary Indiana due to FLASH floods, who knew that state could even get 48 inches of rain in 48 hours!?!?!?! And we saw lots of lakes that Garmin did not account for & many cars in gullies. Plus if you want to know my honest opinion - "NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE" should ever have to die in Gary... i mean common... I know God has a sense of humor and all but really I already have cancer**...

AND the next big announcement - i have short hair. Now agreed it was short before, but still long enough where i thought i might have an excessive amount of mini heart attacks when it started to come out... so i said bring on the next Mia Farrow look alike. Amy it's semi you in your Grateful Dead days... :) The inspiration came from Sienna Miller and Keira Knightly and both of those women are smoking hot so I just keep telling my self that I don't look like a boy. (And for you visual learners out there... photos will be loaded very soon!)

Chemo starts on Thursday. I have to be there at 7:15 so that means the wake up call is somewhere around 5:00 a.m. jeeze feels like a QFY day or something like that (so wish it was...) So Blood work is first and then an exam by Dr. Larson (hopefully he's semi Mc Dreamyish...) and then 5 hours of poison pumping. I don't think i would describe my self as scared... yet... but I am looking forward to knowing that no matter what I'll get to be on the AD call for sure! & i always have a good day after that :)


**Disclaimer - That's still funny...

Dom Dom Da Dom...

Maybe my new nick name should be Road Trip Rebel or Cross Country Connoisseur... we (Won-ton, Randall 1 & Randall 3) all just made it safe and sound to MI. So we can lock an load our all night road trip = SUCCESS!!!

Although we really couldn't have done it with out the help of lamas, sheep, cows, horses, sleepy semi's (YOU LOOK SLEEPY!), 90 OR 94? 90 OR 94?, more 50 cent detours, text messages, the ipod, "where, where is the city?", fresh fries from Hardees at 3:00 a.m. & all of our previous road trippin experience to help guide us.

All is well and the To-Do lists are in order on the Meyer homestead. I'm so happy & excited for J and N to celebrate their big day! Boys - no need to worry... i am walking down the isle but not to the man of my dreams so the position is still available :) (although in very high demand...and not that avilable) And even though stress levels are ranging from 1 to 10 and there was almost a death in the family due to a "Gustie" incident... it's also amazing to be in the presence of True Love. And I think that everyone should be so lucky to find their soul mate. Eh and if you don't just have lots of fun celebrating with those who think they have :)

Just in case you were wondering... I really can't beat the AOD in regards to nicknames. Every time i hear it i can't help but think of my favorite people in the world... and even though I'm now sharing their time zone again (makes me feel closer), I was a pretty sleepy camper at 8:02 this morning... so this updated blog will have to suffice!

Bex, Em, Jen & Lana

Snake oil and roses, pockets of dirt
Hand of a fortune teller's song
Young love shaking the earth
Like a heart shot out of a gun

Lips like gravity, pull me under
Reckless weather on his breath
Smells like rain, hits like thunder
A storm is coming, I've got nothing left

So we run, yeah yeah yeah we run
Come undone like a string on a sweater
That you pull but you know better
But doing what you shouldn't's half the fun
So we run

Fire and laughter, fence posts flying
Feel the fever in the air
Can't remember what came before him
And what comes after I don't care

Hands are trembling, I swore I wouldn't
One more look and I'll give in
A hundred reasons why I shouldn't
But I lost my heart in wanting him to win

So we run, yeah yeah yeah we run
Come undone like a string on a sweater
Old enough and should know better
But doing what you shouldn't's half the fun
So we run, na na na na....

I hear the leather on his voice
It's a calling not a choice and I can't keep myself
from following the sound
Yeah, you may never know how fast that you can go
Til someone lifts your feet up off the ground

So we run, yeah yeah yeah we run
Come undone, yeah yeah yeah undone
So we run, yeah yeah yeah we run
So we run, yeah yeah yea we run
Na, na na na....

A few of my favorite things

WOW so the last 48 hours have been so AMAZING!


My goal is to post everyday (although that rule was set by someone else) ... & I only get two skips in the next 90 but I'm thinking that those are only if i don't feel good and the past couple of days I've felt more than great... Although CA did tell me i looked tired again today... maybe she just kinda forgot what i looked like on a daily basis :)


The feedback & support I've been getting from everyone in regards to the blog has been so superb! And everyone has said how wonderful that i have such an upbeat attitude... but the real question is... who wouldn't be happy if they were surrounded by the following things?

After spending Saturday night with Anna & Tonia - I learned a very valuable lesson, I do not heart beading. And drinking more wine does not help the process move in a faster fashion. HOWEVER Sunday morning Eggs Benedict & Starbucks is motivation...


Family is oh so important! Jules and I headed down to kato swinging by Emma Krumbies (which, in my humble opinion, should be renamed Emma Crappies) but seeing Grandma was so wonderful! There is no feeling on earth that compares to being at home with Grandma Ann (yep - my name sake) Also seeing the Otto family was so nice! And learning that your distant relative (who shall remain nameless...) may or may not have been addicted to boys & accompanying activities over mouth watering homemade banana cream pie was pretty entertaining... (Cue all of my friends saying - "ahhhh now that makes so much sense why Annie is the way she is..." what can i say it runs in the family!)


Then instead of rhubarb pie for breakfast we opted for delicious rhubarb coffee cake! Headed out to two of my favortie home away from homes - that's right - Home of the wonderful Gustavus Rouser! Gustavus Adolphus College - oh my Alma matter... how beautiful you are! And then the best part of St. Peter, River Rock Coffee! My true second home. My heart was about to burst with happiness walking in to my fav little independently owned coffee shop! And then eating the turkey club, balsamic dressing, latte & a hermit... words can not describe the LOVE!!! Really my GAC degree should read Major in Communication Studies Minor in Coffee Shop Management & Development (P.S. I can't wait to put our entrepreneurial skills to use... cement business?)


And more of my favorite things... the trip to the little organic and independently owned apple orchid (Go Jim!), car washing, bloodymary & beer drinking, spicy garlic wing eating, target-time-wasting, EP Marathon shopping, Vikings losing football watching, outside grilling, blue sky morning, 1st pumpkin coffee of the year tasting and veggies from the farmers market lunching...


HONESTLY who wouldn't be loving life with all of my favorite things? (Where is that Julie Andrews... i need some new clothes... and CA wants to get rid of these curtains...)




So reality says that i have to start chemo in one week and a day (9/18)... really that's the last thing on my mind. My to-do list is never short (although maybe if i wrote it in french...) and really I'm just very excited about wearing my pretty dress and the journey that Coli is starting this weekend! Can't wish them the best enough...


So the conclusion that I've come to is that as i move forward and when i have a crappy day - I'll just continue to do/have my favorite things around me and i know that will help! So let me know if there are any other favorite things i should add to the list... :)

Home Just for the Holidays

Today was def a good day. And it wasn't good because of one huge event or some naked person jumping out of a cake for your birthday... just good in a very ordinary way.

It was really nice just to be able to do some quote un quote normal things, coffee & bacon for breakfast (hold the eggs), dress fitting, farmer's market - rival's harbor east and running to the meat market. It was just a lazy saturday and not because i was sick and not feeling well... but just because. And it was just nice to feel like myself.

Today it's been so much easier to deal with the whole realization of Chemo. But just like i thought... even though we got some answers... there are always more & more questions...But i did get some amazing advice today "there is no wrong choice". Wow - what a mindset shift!!! Every time my mind starts to wonder to "what if's" & "how do you know" type questions, i just keep coming back to that.

Well there is always more time to think about that over coffee and eggs benedict tomorrow morning! Sweet dreams!

Spindle Cell Sarcoma

I'm wondering if "Good News/Bad News" works in this type of situation... ummm maybe too soon

So here we go. It's hear and it's real. Chemo.

Bad News:
It was weird hearing that i have cancer - it didn't really seem real because it's one of those things that everyone knows what it is... but not really. Hearing that I have to have Chemo was very very very very very different.

Mostly I don't really know what to say about it... although my bracelet does sum it up pretty well "Cancer Sucks". And i didn't really cry until they said I'd lose my hair - but bald Brittney Spears jokes will still be funny (http://www.cancerisnotfunny.com/top10chemobaldness.html) & it seems crazy that of all the information i found out today... that was the piece that made me break down & cry.

Ah I keep trying to type things on here and then decide to delete them... everything just seems so not right to say. I am sad & mostly i just wanted to be out in Baltimore tonight dancing on the pool table at Cladaughas...

But after the 2 hour meeting with the oncologist, the meeting with the fertility specialist (which who knew at single & 23 you had to decided you wanted to have kids) & the ecocardiogram i was pretty much just exhausted and now I'm home in my pink slippers & an RWFB hoodie about to go and get ice cream.

Doc B wants to start chemo on the 18th - good thing Nicole didn't wait an extra weekend for the wedding. Then it's 4 - 6 rounds... each round is 2 days in the hospital with Chemo given intravenously then 19 days of "lets see what that does" & the cycle begins again. However my doc, in a very round about way, did say that if the THC works... Good thing I've been watching lots of Weeds!!! Good news is that whoever said back to EQ by Q1 09 - one of the few times they get to be right...

So keeping within in the Good News/Bad News format here are additional pieces of Good News:

• All my scans came back clean
• I can keep doing yoga & running - although training for a marathon is not advised
• If I'm feeling shitty (swear word for you know who) i can eat all the ice cream i want - hence this evening's treat
• I'll have a great excuse to read all the books I've ever wanted to read
• I'll have the time to send entertaining text messages to people while they are at work
• Home for the Holidays
• I found a talior that's willing to refit my size 14 dress into my new size 10 body in the next 72 hours... so now Coli doesn't have to kill me on her wedding weekend...
• My parents are hippies so the whole "medical weed" shouldn't be a parental issue
• I have the most AMAZING friends, family, & support system of anyone. I'm completely overwhelmed by the love, care, understanding, compassion & faith.

I wrote in yellow today because "sometimes you just want to wear a yellow shirt when you wake up in the morning" & I just wanted to feel sunny. :)

Big Text

you know what's a good feeling? when you wake up at that perfect time right before your alarm goes off...

know what's not a good feeling? waking up before your alarm because you have stabbing pains in your internal organs... and what's worse is when you can't even have dunkin donuts to start your day off right...

and that's when you realize why god gives us little presents in life like vicodin - YUM! well its sort of a present because you have to argue with your mother for 20 mins about whether or not it will screw up your blood work... but really no girl should be deprived of an EQ AD call, coffee and prescription drugs all in one day... honestly it's just more than anyone can take!

i'm excited to add a "level of certainty" story to add to my repertoire for qfy... the billing lady at mayo was certain that i did not have insurance... and i had a much much higher degree of certainty that i did, mostly because i knew that the wells fargo visa wasn't spitting out a couple of grand for blood work... post a phone call to the east coast and CA calling in some small town referral favors we were in the door... okay the story really might not be that exciting but i'm thinking it's way better than one about buying a car

i got stuck with 3 needles, drank 2 bottles of water/iodine mixture & slept in 1 Barnes and Noble's comfy chair (kinda felt like studying in college again - minus the whole iodine thing...)

looking forward to knowing more from the doc tomorrow... although i have a suspicion that there will be more questions than answers and lots more "we don't knows" so brace yourselves because and i'm sure my next post will be a lot less cranky... save that i get to have caffeine in the a.m!

The First One

I'm kinda a BIG DEAL...

& then there is the whole "Cancer" thing (ICK)... and that's why I'm starting this blog.

So it's officially been 6 weeks since i had the surgery to remove Herold. First of all i totally did not believe Fitzpatrick when he said it'd be a 6 week recovery...comeon who was he talking to?!?!?! He obviously didn't know that i completed high school in 3 yrs, that i do 90 mins of hot yoga 4 times a week, i only eat nuts and berries and I'm AOD... but turns out his predictions were quite accurate. So I've decided that even though i only live 20 mins from Treasure Island Resort & Casino... i won't be making any huge bets with my long term disability money (Breathe Easy Gib)

So for the sake of documentation - here's the condensed week by week play:

• The Preamble "The Week Before" - "My internal Organs Hurt" - turns out that was not caused by dancing on the pool table at one of the many fine local bars in canton, lots of couch time, doctors apts, naming it Herold Cantaloupe, pain meds that didn't work, pain meds that did, the first CT scan, how big is 17 cm?, CA to Baltimore city, & it's all happening
• Week 1 "It needs to come out" - a lot of medical questions (uh Mom i swear it had been years since the last time...), learning the trick to getting my own private hospital room (secret published on the R rated version of this blog), the florist shop, wonderful care, bed bath, NG tubes, ice chips, walking laps, 6 a.m. wake up calls, "ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10!!!!!!", parades, latte - my first "real" food, in for a week to the minute, exhaustion & recovery
• Week 2 "Recovery @ Home" - I'll ride in the stretch hummer next time, flowers, Bon Voyage Herold, home to MN, bad news at 4:30 on Tuesday, we work off tips - here's one - be nice, phone calls, texts, letters, cards, support that left me (yes me) speechless and overwhelmed, homemade chocolate chip cookies, chocolate chocolate cake & back to MN
• Week 3 "You're still recovering (in the CA mom voice)" - can you drive?, are you sure you can eat that?, YOU'RE HOME, promise you'll get me McDonald's, baking bread & rolls, seeing family, dedicating the fire pit, who has a cantaloupe?, the puppies, insurance, call your doctor, chores, did you poop yet?, Chinese food & WEEDS
• Week 4 "I'm all better i swear" - river rides, family reading time, mojitos, White Wisconsin cheese curds, you have the wrong bacholorette, Austin, you'll be back in MN before the end of the summer, Fugo De Chao, best friend, & big decisions
• Week 5 "Back home to Baltimore" - massive packing, mini road trip, cross country road trip,PURPLE PATIO, she's climbing MT. Everest in 2 and 1/2 weeks, large quantities of sushi, Mama's seafood (I heart Oysters), Patigno in the rain, vote against prohibition! Margaritas in Austin, Pasta & Packing, QFY, Almost Famous, Coffee at Blue House & spending time with some of the most important people in the whole wide world, not saying good bye

So today starts Week 6 - Lovingly titled "Reality has a HUGE initial Impact". Tomorrow is Day 1 of 2 with all my new doctors at Mayo... Can't wait to be poked and prodded... but the sooner it starts the sooner it's over and i can get back to my city! I'm hoping that we get a couple more answers tomorrow or at least a loose time time... it's all about hedging expectations! And I'll have all the updates posted asap...

There's a lot more to put out there... feelings, thoughts, stories, memories, etc. but i think i should save some stuff for tomorrow! And even though i set this up yesterday and didn't get a post published... that does NOT count as one of my 2 skips in the next 90 days!