So here we go again! Round 5... I'm hoping that it goes better than Round 4. R4 was hard and even though I was half way done... it still felt like that second half was a long ways away from being over. Now it's like Yes! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Tonight I'm trying really hard not to fight it. And not to ignore it. To stay clam & keep a positive attitude. I can't tell if it's working or if I'm just getting more tired and ready for bed :) Either way... I still get to have Starbucks tomorrow and I'm looking forward to consuming my favorite beverage out of one of their red holiday cups!
The other thing I'm looking forward to is starting 09 with a clean slate. And being cancer free... well with one more round of chemo in there for good measure... but well on my way to getting healthy again. Although it would be nicer if I could accomplish the same thing wearing a silky little top and consuming champagne all night... mmmm maybe I'll ask the doc if that works the same as chemo. They both leave you feeling like you want to puke the next morning.
6 a.m. is an early wake up call for me these days so I'm off to prepare for my next big couple of days! Then it's just one more left!!!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Baltimore Home Sick
I am extremely Baltimore home sick. Extremely. My heart aches for that crazy city.
During 08 it FINALLY felt like things were coming together and that life was how it should be. My family was happy & healthy. I had a great social life filled with fun friends & happy hours about town. I was worshiping at a youth oriented church that shared my values and beliefs. I finally kept my new years resolution to drop 25lbs and felt amazing in my suit at the beach. And I was in love with my job, in love with it! (I bet some of you were expecting me to say a boy's name)
Okay... so I didn't have a boyfriend... so it wasn't like some fairy tale where everything was exactly perfect... but it was damn close. And I had total faith that Prince Charming was around the corner just getting ready to make that perfect entrance into my life!
And then suddenly all of that was gone... Everything I'd worked for over the past 2 years fell apart in less than 2 weeks. Well I shouldn't say everything but... you know what I mean.
So part of me really does miss the city and all that goes along with it out there. But the other part of me just misses having a life. It's like by the time I go through the chemo & recover, hang out with some friends, and get my life back in order, I have to start the next round. It's so annoying. I miss having a normal routine, which is funny because I never pictured myself as someone who would want that... but now I do. And I miss work. It's a very big part of my life and I'm struggling to put my life back together with that huge piece missing. (Damn I'm trying to come up with a good metephor for what it's like and I can't think of a good one...must remember to insert one in at a later point in time)
It's not that I don't love my home in Red Wing because I do. And MN is a huge part of who I am and this will always be home to me. But Baltimore feels like home too and now I've been away for too long and I can't wait to go back! Plus I def miss the sushi in that city!!! I'm going crazy for a crunchie fire roll!!!
During 08 it FINALLY felt like things were coming together and that life was how it should be. My family was happy & healthy. I had a great social life filled with fun friends & happy hours about town. I was worshiping at a youth oriented church that shared my values and beliefs. I finally kept my new years resolution to drop 25lbs and felt amazing in my suit at the beach. And I was in love with my job, in love with it! (I bet some of you were expecting me to say a boy's name)
Okay... so I didn't have a boyfriend... so it wasn't like some fairy tale where everything was exactly perfect... but it was damn close. And I had total faith that Prince Charming was around the corner just getting ready to make that perfect entrance into my life!
And then suddenly all of that was gone... Everything I'd worked for over the past 2 years fell apart in less than 2 weeks. Well I shouldn't say everything but... you know what I mean.
So part of me really does miss the city and all that goes along with it out there. But the other part of me just misses having a life. It's like by the time I go through the chemo & recover, hang out with some friends, and get my life back in order, I have to start the next round. It's so annoying. I miss having a normal routine, which is funny because I never pictured myself as someone who would want that... but now I do. And I miss work. It's a very big part of my life and I'm struggling to put my life back together with that huge piece missing. (Damn I'm trying to come up with a good metephor for what it's like and I can't think of a good one...must remember to insert one in at a later point in time)
It's not that I don't love my home in Red Wing because I do. And MN is a huge part of who I am and this will always be home to me. But Baltimore feels like home too and now I've been away for too long and I can't wait to go back! Plus I def miss the sushi in that city!!! I'm going crazy for a crunchie fire roll!!!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Round 4
Okay so going to chemo with a black eye isn't really ideal. But if we're talking ideal... then I really wouldn't be going to chemo. I don't want to go. I want to be somewhere, anywhere else.
I keep thinking that if I don't think about it, it won't come. That if I keep reading my book, an obvious coping mechanism, that the sun won't rise. It'll stay 2:00 a.m. forever. When I was little I thought that the only way morning could come was if you went to sleep, but I hate being older and knowing better.
I'm armed with my new anti-nausea med & my cd player. (I'm totally an ipod hater) Hoping that maybe the music will make it easier to drown everything out faster. It's a race to get to sleep, to reach unconsciousness quicker than the last time.
But even the music doesn't help. I start to feel sick on the drive down to Rochester. Almost like my body is betraying my mind telling it "you don't have to think about what's happening but you can't stop me from reacting". And the worst part is the blood draw right when we walk in. They can never get in my veins on the first try and so I endure 2 or 3 more pokes.
I hate the waiting after the doctor's visit & before the chemo part starts. It's too long and not long enough at the same time because eventually they always call my name. They say that the chemo is cumulative... but I think that the anxiety is. It compounds in my stomach faster than my 401k is ever going to grow.
And I wish I were somewhere else, anywhere else.
I keep thinking that if I don't think about it, it won't come. That if I keep reading my book, an obvious coping mechanism, that the sun won't rise. It'll stay 2:00 a.m. forever. When I was little I thought that the only way morning could come was if you went to sleep, but I hate being older and knowing better.
I'm armed with my new anti-nausea med & my cd player. (I'm totally an ipod hater) Hoping that maybe the music will make it easier to drown everything out faster. It's a race to get to sleep, to reach unconsciousness quicker than the last time.
But even the music doesn't help. I start to feel sick on the drive down to Rochester. Almost like my body is betraying my mind telling it "you don't have to think about what's happening but you can't stop me from reacting". And the worst part is the blood draw right when we walk in. They can never get in my veins on the first try and so I endure 2 or 3 more pokes.
I hate the waiting after the doctor's visit & before the chemo part starts. It's too long and not long enough at the same time because eventually they always call my name. They say that the chemo is cumulative... but I think that the anxiety is. It compounds in my stomach faster than my 401k is ever going to grow.
And I wish I were somewhere else, anywhere else.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
