When Does It Become Permanent?

Question of the day: Well I want to pose a question but I'm not sure how to word it... so first an example...I've pondered this for a while and this was the best example I could summon...


So say you have a quote unquote normal girl. And one summer in college she decides to start stripping on the side for extra cash. At first it's just a job, but then it's like one thing leads to another. And after a while she starts thinking its okay to wear her work clothes to target on a Monday afternoon or its okay to sleep around. And then it's like soon enough everyone starts calling her a stripper. But it's like well yea she is a stripper.

Okay so that's the example... And I'm not necessarily meaning to pose this question in a stereotypical sort of are we just our jobs sort of thing. Or are we really only defined by what we do from 9-5 or in this case 11-6 a.m. But more in this sense: we may choose or have to do something temporarily and we make the choice to deal because it's just for right now. But at what point does that temporary thing become part of our lives and part of who we are and part of what defines us? And how do we know when we getting close to that point or when we arrive? And then what? Which is actually quite a few questions of the day but they go together...

I guess the "then what" part is easier for me to answer than any of the other questions, it seems so simple... you just change. You change a job or where you live or whatever you have to do to. And I know and suppose that's easier said than done... but I do not believe it's as hard as people make it out to be either.

The example I was really, probably very obviously, thinking of was me with cancer. It's had an inexplicable (well probably shouldn't use that word since I am trying to describe it right now) impact on my life. And when it all started it was just like, oh this is just a random pain. Then it was like oh this is just a couple of days off of work. Then it was a surgery and 4-6 week recovery. Next came the kidnapping (or what I like to call my move back to MN since it was against my will...) And the chemo insurance policy (even though we couldn't see any tumors). And then it felt over, finally. But no one told you how much it would take to put my life back together and then just when I thought I had that figured out for a little bit (thanks to my westward road trip experience) it was BAM! Deathbed for 3 months or longer... hazy memory from all that damn morphine.

Anyway my long drawn out point to all that, which I'm not sure why I re-wrote because it's not like everyone doesn't know all that already, but it when did this cancer become a permanent part who I am and affect the way I live my life daily and not just something I have to deal with for 6 months. I mean I just thought that I would have gotten the opportunity to press the "resume life" button by now...

I know so much of it has to do with perspective. And less than two years isn't a lifetime by any means, but I'm starting to get worried that this is changing who I am. Lately I just feel like I miss "annie" and I don't know where I went. I used to feel like I would slip out for a little bit but then after the chemo drugs wore off I was back. Now I just feel like I'm constantly fighting to maintain to be who I am.

I miss living as opposed to constantly just trying to survive. And not simply because of the happiness/joy slash lack of constant struggle aspect. But more because I miss the involvement of living. The social responsibilities and pressures. (Note: some strong generalizations may occur throughout the next sentances/ paragrahs... depending on how much I write) When you get sick 3 of the biggest things that get taken away from you are responsibility, accountability and structure. And then it's like what do you have left? A free pass to become as self indulgent as you wish?

I don't know... Definitely more on that to come later...