So here we go again! Round 5... I'm hoping that it goes better than Round 4. R4 was hard and even though I was half way done... it still felt like that second half was a long ways away from being over. Now it's like Yes! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Tonight I'm trying really hard not to fight it. And not to ignore it. To stay clam & keep a positive attitude. I can't tell if it's working or if I'm just getting more tired and ready for bed :) Either way... I still get to have Starbucks tomorrow and I'm looking forward to consuming my favorite beverage out of one of their red holiday cups!
The other thing I'm looking forward to is starting 09 with a clean slate. And being cancer free... well with one more round of chemo in there for good measure... but well on my way to getting healthy again. Although it would be nicer if I could accomplish the same thing wearing a silky little top and consuming champagne all night... mmmm maybe I'll ask the doc if that works the same as chemo. They both leave you feeling like you want to puke the next morning.
6 a.m. is an early wake up call for me these days so I'm off to prepare for my next big couple of days! Then it's just one more left!!!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Baltimore Home Sick
I am extremely Baltimore home sick. Extremely. My heart aches for that crazy city.
During 08 it FINALLY felt like things were coming together and that life was how it should be. My family was happy & healthy. I had a great social life filled with fun friends & happy hours about town. I was worshiping at a youth oriented church that shared my values and beliefs. I finally kept my new years resolution to drop 25lbs and felt amazing in my suit at the beach. And I was in love with my job, in love with it! (I bet some of you were expecting me to say a boy's name)
Okay... so I didn't have a boyfriend... so it wasn't like some fairy tale where everything was exactly perfect... but it was damn close. And I had total faith that Prince Charming was around the corner just getting ready to make that perfect entrance into my life!
And then suddenly all of that was gone... Everything I'd worked for over the past 2 years fell apart in less than 2 weeks. Well I shouldn't say everything but... you know what I mean.
So part of me really does miss the city and all that goes along with it out there. But the other part of me just misses having a life. It's like by the time I go through the chemo & recover, hang out with some friends, and get my life back in order, I have to start the next round. It's so annoying. I miss having a normal routine, which is funny because I never pictured myself as someone who would want that... but now I do. And I miss work. It's a very big part of my life and I'm struggling to put my life back together with that huge piece missing. (Damn I'm trying to come up with a good metephor for what it's like and I can't think of a good one...must remember to insert one in at a later point in time)
It's not that I don't love my home in Red Wing because I do. And MN is a huge part of who I am and this will always be home to me. But Baltimore feels like home too and now I've been away for too long and I can't wait to go back! Plus I def miss the sushi in that city!!! I'm going crazy for a crunchie fire roll!!!
During 08 it FINALLY felt like things were coming together and that life was how it should be. My family was happy & healthy. I had a great social life filled with fun friends & happy hours about town. I was worshiping at a youth oriented church that shared my values and beliefs. I finally kept my new years resolution to drop 25lbs and felt amazing in my suit at the beach. And I was in love with my job, in love with it! (I bet some of you were expecting me to say a boy's name)
Okay... so I didn't have a boyfriend... so it wasn't like some fairy tale where everything was exactly perfect... but it was damn close. And I had total faith that Prince Charming was around the corner just getting ready to make that perfect entrance into my life!
And then suddenly all of that was gone... Everything I'd worked for over the past 2 years fell apart in less than 2 weeks. Well I shouldn't say everything but... you know what I mean.
So part of me really does miss the city and all that goes along with it out there. But the other part of me just misses having a life. It's like by the time I go through the chemo & recover, hang out with some friends, and get my life back in order, I have to start the next round. It's so annoying. I miss having a normal routine, which is funny because I never pictured myself as someone who would want that... but now I do. And I miss work. It's a very big part of my life and I'm struggling to put my life back together with that huge piece missing. (Damn I'm trying to come up with a good metephor for what it's like and I can't think of a good one...must remember to insert one in at a later point in time)
It's not that I don't love my home in Red Wing because I do. And MN is a huge part of who I am and this will always be home to me. But Baltimore feels like home too and now I've been away for too long and I can't wait to go back! Plus I def miss the sushi in that city!!! I'm going crazy for a crunchie fire roll!!!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Round 4
Okay so going to chemo with a black eye isn't really ideal. But if we're talking ideal... then I really wouldn't be going to chemo. I don't want to go. I want to be somewhere, anywhere else.
I keep thinking that if I don't think about it, it won't come. That if I keep reading my book, an obvious coping mechanism, that the sun won't rise. It'll stay 2:00 a.m. forever. When I was little I thought that the only way morning could come was if you went to sleep, but I hate being older and knowing better.
I'm armed with my new anti-nausea med & my cd player. (I'm totally an ipod hater) Hoping that maybe the music will make it easier to drown everything out faster. It's a race to get to sleep, to reach unconsciousness quicker than the last time.
But even the music doesn't help. I start to feel sick on the drive down to Rochester. Almost like my body is betraying my mind telling it "you don't have to think about what's happening but you can't stop me from reacting". And the worst part is the blood draw right when we walk in. They can never get in my veins on the first try and so I endure 2 or 3 more pokes.
I hate the waiting after the doctor's visit & before the chemo part starts. It's too long and not long enough at the same time because eventually they always call my name. They say that the chemo is cumulative... but I think that the anxiety is. It compounds in my stomach faster than my 401k is ever going to grow.
And I wish I were somewhere else, anywhere else.
I keep thinking that if I don't think about it, it won't come. That if I keep reading my book, an obvious coping mechanism, that the sun won't rise. It'll stay 2:00 a.m. forever. When I was little I thought that the only way morning could come was if you went to sleep, but I hate being older and knowing better.
I'm armed with my new anti-nausea med & my cd player. (I'm totally an ipod hater) Hoping that maybe the music will make it easier to drown everything out faster. It's a race to get to sleep, to reach unconsciousness quicker than the last time.
But even the music doesn't help. I start to feel sick on the drive down to Rochester. Almost like my body is betraying my mind telling it "you don't have to think about what's happening but you can't stop me from reacting". And the worst part is the blood draw right when we walk in. They can never get in my veins on the first try and so I endure 2 or 3 more pokes.
I hate the waiting after the doctor's visit & before the chemo part starts. It's too long and not long enough at the same time because eventually they always call my name. They say that the chemo is cumulative... but I think that the anxiety is. It compounds in my stomach faster than my 401k is ever going to grow.
And I wish I were somewhere else, anywhere else.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Skoll Vikings!
One of the best things about being back in MN has been getting to hang out with the cousins - Adam & Abby! It's really great to have such fun family members live so close! Adam organized a super fun outing on Sunday and we all (Adam, Abby, Annie, Tommy & Megan) got tickets to watch the Vikings take on the Bears.
The game started at 7:00 p.m. which left plenty of time for tailgating all afternoon! Right now some of you are thinking "Annie this 2 days after you just got your black eye". And you are right, believe me I was taking things very very very easy during the tailgating portion of the afternoon.
This was definitely an experience only a true Minnesotan could endure. With temps in the low 30's, winds at about 20 mph... kinda reminded me of a Raven's game I watched once in Baltimore. Anyway we were ready and armed with mich golden lights in the pockets of our coats and light rail tickets in hand. We got to the parking lot and tons of people were set up with tents, tarps and electric heaters. You could watch the other games on tvs in the back of pick up trucks while feasting on peppered prime rib and free chips with bean dip. The alcohol was flowing (I however was NOT partaking) and the drum line was beating strong! We mingled with lots of different friends, new and old. I'm proud to say that we survived out in the cold for more than 3 & 1/2 hours before heading in to the dome.
After that we stayed plenty warm because our seats were second row down from the top of the dome... and we all know heat rises :) I think the fans around us were a little taken back with my appearance. It's not everyday you see a beautiful bald girl with a huge black eye. But I just told people that I got it bear hunting. It worked perfectly because the Vikes also went bear hunting that day and beat Chicago 34 to 14!!! Skoll Vikings!!!
Adam, Abby, Annie, Megan & Tommy outside tailgating
Annie & Megan decked out in Purple Pride!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Black (& Blue) Friday - Part II
When we left off on the last blog... all the kids were at the bar having a wonderful time. That's about the point where my memory fails me. The following story is comprised of various accounts from what took place the night before from the people that were mostly coherent enough to tell me the tail the next morning.
What I do remember. Doing a shot with Abby at the bar... possibly soco and lime(?). Talking to Scott Guthrie. Waking up at about 8 a.m. the next morning barley being able to walk to the bathroom. Realizing I was still dressed in the same clothes I had been wearing at the bar the night before (including my uggs).And my grandmother being shocked as to what I looked like.
Here is what I do NOT remember. Doing another unnecessary shot with Abby - contents unknown. Leaving the bar. The car ride home. Being ecstatic when I discovered that I had my phone, apparently I had somehow forgotten it was in my pocket. Running to the carriage house to drunk dial boys. Falling in the carriage house and then sitting in there for 30 mins. Puking. Falling asleep on the couch.
Here is why my grandmother was shocked to see me the next morning...
I stayed in the same position the next 12 hours. Believe me I paid in full for consuming the night before. I did feel a little sorry for the boys who had gotten up before me and had to endure the lecture about over indulgence from my grandma. All of which I overheard from my death bed on the couch. But there was no way I wasn't getting up for that!
Oh well, alls well that ends well! Plus I'd never had a black eye before so now I can check that off my list of things :)
What I do remember. Doing a shot with Abby at the bar... possibly soco and lime(?). Talking to Scott Guthrie. Waking up at about 8 a.m. the next morning barley being able to walk to the bathroom. Realizing I was still dressed in the same clothes I had been wearing at the bar the night before (including my uggs).And my grandmother being shocked as to what I looked like.
Here is what I do NOT remember. Doing another unnecessary shot with Abby - contents unknown. Leaving the bar. The car ride home. Being ecstatic when I discovered that I had my phone, apparently I had somehow forgotten it was in my pocket. Running to the carriage house to drunk dial boys. Falling in the carriage house and then sitting in there for 30 mins. Puking. Falling asleep on the couch.
Here is why my grandmother was shocked to see me the next morning...
I stayed in the same position the next 12 hours. Believe me I paid in full for consuming the night before. I did feel a little sorry for the boys who had gotten up before me and had to endure the lecture about over indulgence from my grandma. All of which I overheard from my death bed on the couch. But there was no way I wasn't getting up for that!
Oh well, alls well that ends well! Plus I'd never had a black eye before so now I can check that off my list of things :)
Black (& Blue) Friday - Part I
I LOVE the day after thanksgiving maybe almost more than thanksgiving itself. And I could care less about any shopping mall. I think it's because all the flavors have set into the food, friends are freed from family engagements & everyone is ready to celebrate! (Emphasis on celebrate)
This year proved to be no exception. I was also uber excited because this year I was heading down to the Red Wing Holiday Stroll and then meeting reuniting with some of my high school girl friends afterward. The Holiday Stroll was magical! Complete with roasting cheastnuts, hot chocolate, Santa, real raindeer, a parade with floats decked out in christmas lights marching down main street and pink cheecks under hats with matching mittins. The whole town turned out for a brisk night under the stars. It honestly could have been right out of a story book.
Annie, Katie & Yena at the Holiday Stroll
Afterward the celebration continued upstairs in our carriage house. 2 of my favorite cusions were there Adam and Kirk, my new twin Abby, Megan & our little Hunter, and of course all of my Red Wing girls - Yena, Katie, Jordan & Abby. (Special shout out to JB!) We were snacking on homemade salsa, saultry chex mix, bull dogs and grapefruit juice (per my addiction) w/ vodka.
Kirk & Annie, post shots, ready for the bar!
The night was perfect! Just what I needed, to let loose and celebrate with my wonderful family & good friends. We ventured down to Andy's a local pub, which is really a hole in the wall bar but I enjoy it for two reasons. 1 - they have an upstairs loft so you can drink and people watch without being obvious about it (my fav past time at the bar) & 2 - if you are sitting at the bar and want to go outside for a smoke there is a little sign you can put next to your drink to "save your seat" and no one will take your place at the bar. I'm not a smoker but am highly amused by this little small town ritual.
The Red Wing Girls at the bar
Abby & Annie
To be continued in Part II...
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