The Eve of Round 5

So here we go again! Round 5... I'm hoping that it goes better than Round 4. R4 was hard and even though I was half way done... it still felt like that second half was a long ways away from being over. Now it's like Yes! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Tonight I'm trying really hard not to fight it. And not to ignore it. To stay clam & keep a positive attitude. I can't tell if it's working or if I'm just getting more tired and ready for bed :) Either way... I still get to have Starbucks tomorrow and I'm looking forward to consuming my favorite beverage out of one of their red holiday cups!

The other thing I'm looking forward to is starting 09 with a clean slate. And being cancer free... well with one more round of chemo in there for good measure... but well on my way to getting healthy again. Although it would be nicer if I could accomplish the same thing wearing a silky little top and consuming champagne all night... mmmm maybe I'll ask the doc if that works the same as chemo. They both leave you feeling like you want to puke the next morning.

6 a.m. is an early wake up call for me these days so I'm off to prepare for my next big couple of days! Then it's just one more left!!!

Baltimore Home Sick

I am extremely Baltimore home sick. Extremely. My heart aches for that crazy city.

During 08 it FINALLY felt like things were coming together and that life was how it should be. My family was happy & healthy. I had a great social life filled with fun friends & happy hours about town. I was worshiping at a youth oriented church that shared my values and beliefs. I finally kept my new years resolution to drop 25lbs and felt amazing in my suit at the beach. And I was in love with my job, in love with it! (I bet some of you were expecting me to say a boy's name)

Okay... so I didn't have a boyfriend... so it wasn't like some fairy tale where everything was exactly perfect... but it was damn close. And I had total faith that Prince Charming was around the corner just getting ready to make that perfect entrance into my life!

And then suddenly all of that was gone... Everything I'd worked for over the past 2 years fell apart in less than 2 weeks. Well I shouldn't say everything but... you know what I mean.

So part of me really does miss the city and all that goes along with it out there. But the other part of me just misses having a life. It's like by the time I go through the chemo & recover, hang out with some friends, and get my life back in order, I have to start the next round. It's so annoying. I miss having a normal routine, which is funny because I never pictured myself as someone who would want that... but now I do. And I miss work. It's a very big part of my life and I'm struggling to put my life back together with that huge piece missing. (Damn I'm trying to come up with a good metephor for what it's like and I can't think of a good one...must remember to insert one in at a later point in time)

It's not that I don't love my home in Red Wing because I do. And MN is a huge part of who I am and this will always be home to me. But Baltimore feels like home too and now I've been away for too long and I can't wait to go back! Plus I def miss the sushi in that city!!! I'm going crazy for a crunchie fire roll!!!

Round 4

Okay so going to chemo with a black eye isn't really ideal. But if we're talking ideal... then I really wouldn't be going to chemo. I don't want to go. I want to be somewhere, anywhere else.

I keep thinking that if I don't think about it, it won't come. That if I keep reading my book, an obvious coping mechanism, that the sun won't rise. It'll stay 2:00 a.m. forever. When I was little I thought that the only way morning could come was if you went to sleep, but I hate being older and knowing better.

I'm armed with my new anti-nausea med & my cd player. (I'm totally an ipod hater) Hoping that maybe the music will make it easier to drown everything out faster. It's a race to get to sleep, to reach unconsciousness quicker than the last time.

But even the music doesn't help. I start to feel sick on the drive down to Rochester. Almost like my body is betraying my mind telling it "you don't have to think about what's happening but you can't stop me from reacting". And the worst part is the blood draw right when we walk in. They can never get in my veins on the first try and so I endure 2 or 3 more pokes.

I hate the waiting after the doctor's visit & before the chemo part starts. It's too long and not long enough at the same time because eventually they always call my name. They say that the chemo is cumulative... but I think that the anxiety is. It compounds in my stomach faster than my 401k is ever going to grow.

And I wish I were somewhere else, anywhere else.

Skoll Vikings!

One of the best things about being back in MN has been getting to hang out with the cousins - Adam & Abby! It's really great to have such fun family members live so close! Adam organized a super fun outing on Sunday and we all (Adam, Abby, Annie, Tommy & Megan) got tickets to watch the Vikings take on the Bears.

The game started at 7:00 p.m. which left plenty of time for tailgating all afternoon! Right now some of you are thinking "Annie this 2 days after you just got your black eye". And you are right, believe me I was taking things very very very easy during the tailgating portion of the afternoon.

This was definitely an experience only a true Minnesotan could endure. With temps in the low 30's, winds at about 20 mph... kinda reminded me of a Raven's game I watched once in Baltimore. Anyway we were ready and armed with mich golden lights in the pockets of our coats and light rail tickets in hand. We got to the parking lot and tons of people were set up with tents, tarps and electric heaters. You could watch the other games on tvs in the back of pick up trucks while feasting on peppered prime rib and free chips with bean dip. The alcohol was flowing (I however was NOT partaking) and the drum line was beating strong! We mingled with lots of different friends, new and old. I'm proud to say that we survived out in the cold for more than 3 & 1/2 hours before heading in to the dome.

After that we stayed plenty warm because our seats were second row down from the top of the dome... and we all know heat rises :) I think the fans around us were a little taken back with my appearance. It's not everyday you see a beautiful bald girl with a huge black eye. But I just told people that I got it bear hunting. It worked perfectly because the Vikes also went bear hunting that day and beat Chicago 34 to 14!!! Skoll Vikings!!!

Adam, Abby, Annie, Megan & Tommy outside tailgating

Annie & Megan decked out in Purple Pride!

Black (& Blue) Friday - Part II

When we left off on the last blog... all the kids were at the bar having a wonderful time. That's about the point where my memory fails me. The following story is comprised of various accounts from what took place the night before from the people that were mostly coherent enough to tell me the tail the next morning.

What I do remember. Doing a shot with Abby at the bar... possibly soco and lime(?). Talking to Scott Guthrie. Waking up at about 8 a.m. the next morning barley being able to walk to the bathroom. Realizing I was still dressed in the same clothes I had been wearing at the bar the night before (including my uggs).And my grandmother being shocked as to what I looked like.

Here is what I do NOT remember. Doing another unnecessary shot with Abby - contents unknown. Leaving the bar. The car ride home. Being ecstatic when I discovered that I had my phone, apparently I had somehow forgotten it was in my pocket. Running to the carriage house to drunk dial boys. Falling in the carriage house and then sitting in there for 30 mins. Puking. Falling asleep on the couch.

Here is why my grandmother was shocked to see me the next morning...

Believe me... if you think it looks painful you should have known what it felt like. My whole family was gathered around me on the couch when CA started asking what had happened. In my witty hung over state I proceeded to explain to her that I got in a fight with a boy at the bar and he had hit me. While none of that was true, it seemed like a viable explanation since I had no idea.

I stayed in the same position the next 12 hours. Believe me I paid in full for consuming the night before. I did feel a little sorry for the boys who had gotten up before me and had to endure the lecture about over indulgence from my grandma. All of which I overheard from my death bed on the couch. But there was no way I wasn't getting up for that!

Oh well, alls well that ends well! Plus I'd never had a black eye before so now I can check that off my list of things :)

Black (& Blue) Friday - Part I

I LOVE the day after thanksgiving maybe almost more than thanksgiving itself. And I could care less about any shopping mall. I think it's because all the flavors have set into the food, friends are freed from family engagements & everyone is ready to celebrate! (Emphasis on celebrate)

This year proved to be no exception. I was also uber excited because this year I was heading down to the Red Wing Holiday Stroll and then meeting reuniting with some of my high school girl friends afterward. The Holiday Stroll was magical! Complete with roasting cheastnuts, hot chocolate, Santa, real raindeer, a parade with floats decked out in christmas lights marching down main street and pink cheecks under hats with matching mittins. The whole town turned out for a brisk night under the stars. It honestly could have been right out of a story book.

Annie, Katie & Yena at the Holiday Stroll

Afterward the celebration continued upstairs in our carriage house. 2 of my favorite cusions were there Adam and Kirk, my new twin Abby, Megan & our little Hunter, and of course all of my Red Wing girls - Yena, Katie, Jordan & Abby. (Special shout out to JB!) We were snacking on homemade salsa, saultry chex mix, bull dogs and grapefruit juice (per my addiction) w/ vodka.

Kirk & Annie, post shots, ready for the bar!

The night was perfect! Just what I needed, to let loose and celebrate with my wonderful family & good friends. We ventured down to Andy's a local pub, which is really a hole in the wall bar but I enjoy it for two reasons. 1 - they have an upstairs loft so you can drink and people watch without being obvious about it (my fav past time at the bar) & 2 - if you are sitting at the bar and want to go outside for a smoke there is a little sign you can put next to your drink to "save your seat" and no one will take your place at the bar. I'm not a smoker but am highly amused by this little small town ritual.

The Red Wing Girls at the bar

Abby & Annie

To be continued in Part II...

Thanks to be Giving

I think that Thanksgiving is an amazing holiday. One of the few that hasn't been consumed by commercialization. I mean Target barely even recognizes it. They're putting up the faux Christmas trees as the witch hats are coming off the shelves at 75% off. But really can you blame them? There isn't really a profit margin to be made on celebrating the blessings in your life other than on the turkey.

Ha! No need to actually get a business minor from GAC to understand how retail works.

However this Thanksgiving was a little challenging for me. Yes I obviously have many many many blessings and things to be thankful for in my life. However I think that when you spend a day really focusing on those things... it also makes you more painfully aware of the things you aren't necessarily thankful in your life. And that was very hard for me. And while there are blessings that come out of having cancer, I don't think anyone is ever thankful to have this disease in their life.

The Preamble to the Meal

So this year I got to help host Thanksgiving. Mostly because I think CA has had a lot of other things on her mind and it gave me something to fill the infinite amount of hours in my day. Believe me I was excited to have a project to work on! My head was filled with To Do lists from cleaning our radiators to buying out the local grocery store and undertaking the task of creating all new side dishes for the meal.

And I'm just going to say this in my defense up front, because it's my blog and I can, originally when we were planning the meal at least 10 people were going to be eating. So obviously it would have been necessary to have 4 different kinds of vegetables and 2 kinds of potatoes.

CA & I head out to the "big" Econo Foods, armed with my list & a diet root beer I'm ready to go! And as I start piling the fresh produce into our cart this sneaky anxiety starts to creep over me... we are NOT going to have enough room. I order CA to grab another cart & we're off! We seriously could have been in a comerical the way we were flying around the store, filing things into the baskets and yelling at each other across the isles. Okay maybe that's a little dramatic but it was pretty close.

Our refrigerator had gone from bare to bursting at the seems when we arrived home and unloaded the 40 bags. Sorry environmentalists, they were the paper kind. (Side note: we do reuse them to pick up the dog poop though... that counts as recycling)

It was also good because all of this food preparation give my grandma something to worry about in her free time. She kept wondering around the kitchen commenting about how much food we were actually making and who was going to eat it all. Although I've attended many meals prepared from her kitchen which left the family with an abundance of leftovers. But I will say in her defense (see I'm an equal opportunity defender...) that only 7 people came over to our house for dinner. But really I was just following in my mother's footsteps because she started the whole thing with buying a 24 lb turkey.

But really who can deny that the best part of a huge meal is the left overs? I mean you have to have something to show for all your hard work, because typically the main event only lasts about 20 mins and then the whole thing is over. Well I guess the dessert does make a little encore appearance later in the evening.

The moral of the story was learning that there is a lot more that goes into hosting a holiday than what might appear on the surface. And that really I'm doomed to be an over preparer of food after following in my grandmother's and mother's footsteps!

Support

Through out my journey I have had an UNBELIEVABLE amount of support. So much so that it honestly leaves me speechless almost daily. I'm so grateful and thankful for every card, gift, kind word, prayer and thought. I know that it makes a huge difference in my battle.

During a rough patch in the middle of Round 2 a friend suggested that I try getting involved with a support group. I was a little hesitant at first. I kept thinking, "I already have so much support and I still am feeling this way... what good would more do?". But I decided to try it anyway.

The first group I joined is called Imerman Angels and they concentrate on providing one-on-one cancer support: connecting fighters, survivors and caregivers. They work to match people who have had similar experiences so that you can get personalized support from someone that is the same age, gender and gone through the same thing. I've been lucky enough to get paired with two people that have gone through similar chemo regimens. We've been staying connected through phone calls, emails and cards. And it's been really great to have someone that can share those similar experiences. It's been a great support system for me and I would recommend it to anyone going through cancer or if anyone has gone through it either personally or as a caregiver as a great way to reach out and give back.

If you or anyone you know would like to get involved, here is all the information:
Jonny Imerman
IMERMAN ANGELS
Testicular Cancer Survivor
Executive Directorjonny@imermanangels.org
p: (312) 274-5529 x11
f: (312) 274-5530
c: (312) 307-4948
400 W. Erie Street Suite #405 Chicago, IL 60654
http://ImermanAngels.org

Addiction

I've never really been one to fall for getting addicted to things. Okay maybe there was that daily Starbucks stop and that other yoga thing isn't really an addiction because it's totally healthy for mind, body and spirit.

But I am here to say (I hear admittance is the first step) that I am addicted... to Simply Grapefruit the juice. I swear they put crack in that stuff... it's so fricken goooood. I could honestly drink it all day long if it weren't $4.75 a container. But I think financially I'm better off drinking that compared to Starbucks, so maybe we'll have to see...

Some might say, "Annie, really, how do you know it's an addiction, maybe it's just love?" (yea right stalker...) Well I will tell you, despite my own personal embarrassment, how I came to discover it really is a true addiction...

I was in the grocery store yesterday checking out. I had been up and down every isle and filled my cart to the brim! So I was watching the items go through and all of a sudden I get nervous... I had only grabbed ONE Simply Grapefruit. So this ferocious internal debate started... will I need more? is that enough? (Keep in mind the grocery store is LITERALLY 6 blocks from my house) Here is when I knew I was addicted, I made the check out lady AND the person behind me wait so that I could run back to isle 8 and grab more juice. Really what kind of person does that?!?!?!?!

But tomorrow when I'm cracking into my second bottle of the week, I'll be so happy that I did....ummmmmmm YuM YuM YuM!!!!

Pukin' Potatoes

So WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Round 3 is d - o - n - e!! Done!
I'm definitely thankful to be beyond the half way mark. This round has gone pretty smoothly. I slept through both days in the hospital and then continued to sleep once I returned home. Very exciting. Although I do have lots of time to watch Oprah and we've already seen that photo opt pay off, so I'm not counting out my couch potato days yet...

And speaking of potatoes... (which starts with a "P") I've had quite the interesting run in with them in the last 48 hours. While I've been home I've been discovering that cooking helps me past the time & adds a little productivity to my day. So when I haven't been facebooking I've been semi-addicted to looking at online cookbooks. And it's kinda like when I was a kid, you only like the ones with the really good pictures. Fast forward to me seeing some great shots of these delicious home fries on my favorite site: http://smittenkitchen.com/

At this point I'm thinking GREAT! I have these delicious Yukon gold potatoes I need to use and I'm hungry! This will be perfect! Well my first disappointment came when I added the itty bitty little onion pieces to the bowl of the potatoes - oops! (Thanks for that tip a little too late) Turns out that's okay, your onions just become little charred black bits a top your potato. But you still get the flavor and they make a good topping. So I get them all fried up, nice and crispy and I dish up a healthy Midwest size serving. YuM YuM

About 45 mins later I am not feeling well at all... and UP comes the potatoes back for their sophomore debut! (One even came through my nose... not pretty and it's not because I had that weird tube down my nose earlier in July... that can just happen - my mom said so....) So I of course blame it on the chemo. And think to myself I should have taken more anti-nausea drugs and all that.

Meanwhile I'm at home today, middle of the afternoon just wanting a little snack so I think, oouuu I'll just warm up some of my wonderful home fries and it'll be perfect. Had more of a Hollywood size helping and set about grocery shopping. Now it's almost time for the hot docs on Greys to brighten my week when I feel like I'm going down hill again... but those pesky potatoes were traveling right back up hill! And they reached the top!

So while I'm happy to report I have not encountered phantom limb or pregnancy as a "P" disease during this round. I have had quite the case of "puking potatoes"... but all should be cleared up as soon as I get the bathroom cleaned up :)

Ask Me A Question!

"It is Decidedly So"

"My Sources Say No"

Those were the only answers this magic 8 ball was giving out on Halloween! It was so fun to be able to celebrate this year!!! I didn't play any tricks on anyone but I did get some treats! :)

Half Way

Round 3 Starts Today... in 6 & 1/2 hours I have to get up and go... It's like one of those things were you want to stay up all night because you think to yourself "if I don't go to sleep tomorrow can't come & I won't have to do chemo".


But on the other hand, I'll be excited to be half way done!!!

The extra week off has been a blessing. Then it was a curse. Then a blessing again. Mentally I just wasn't ready to go back in. And everyone says well you just have to do it... yea... but if you're not mentally prepared for something like that there is no way it's going to be okay. So it was nice to have a little more time to prep for that. Oh and of course let my body heal from Pink Eye round 2! The curse part is now I think round 4 of chemo might overlap with thanksgiving (boooooooooo!!!!). But the blessing was that eventually I did get to feel like myself again (mostly) even if it was just for a couple of days. Ah the rollercoster ride of life...

So here we go again! Bring it on chemo I've already kicked your ass twice so I know I can do it again and again and again!!!

The Ugly Side of Chemo

Fuck

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck


fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK YOU CHEMO fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Really it's just what you have to say when no other word will do to describe the situation...

You haven't been blogging

"You haven't been blogging"

Yep that's a true statement. I really hadn't been for most of this second half of this cycle. But it's not that I didn't think about blogging because I did. Everyday. Usually around 7-9 times a day if you would like to be picky about it. And it wasn't like I didn't want to let people know what was going on in my life. (Well to be honest, not much...)

I just had a hard time forcing myself to sit down and write. And you'd think with all this time on my hands it'd be easy... but I just didn't feel like me. Most of the time I felt lazy, unproductive, unmotivated, unhealthy mopey, ugh just not like Annie.

Part of me thinks that it's also just that the whole reality of the situation hit home a little more. Some big changes happened and life moved on. It's not like I'm just on sick leave for a couple of days and when I get back everything will be the same. I've been out of it since the middle of July... that's like an entire college semester or a whole quarter in business. I know that I'm doing something very important, I mean survival is kinda key to living, but it's just such an extreme change from being right in the middle of everything to feel like your life is being put on hold. I know and don't expect things to be the same if and when I go back to Baltimore (I'm splint 60% back to the E.C., 20% staying in MN and 20% moving somewhere new...). I guess even if you don't expect things to stay the same, sometimes you just have to feel the grief when things do change...

They say everyone is affected differently by chemo. No doctor can tell you exactly how your body will react. Mostly because they're still practicing medicine. I guess this is just one of the unforeseen side effects that I get to experience... Oh well :)

Finger Soup

I know that this may sound kinda crazy to some of you - but I really miss work. It sorta feels like I'm 14 again and on an endless summer vacation with nothing to do. So in an effort to feel more productive and to help out with cooking meals for the family I decided to try out my brand new soup cook book late one fall afternoon.

It was great! I got to go to the little local farmers market and buy squash, potatoes, onions, peppers, carrots and all sorts of fresh stuff. I was all excited to get home and start making the soup!

So all is going well... getting the huge butter nut squash all ready to chop up and then... BAHM!!! There goes a huge chunk of my ring finger on my left hand. Well actually I shouldn't say there goes... because the chunk was still there...stuck to the knife...not moving... totally gross I know! SO blood is gushing, I'm screaming, it was not a pretty sight :(

Thankfully stitches were not required... because really you can't sew a chunk back on. But I told my doc and his advice - "don't do it again". Really good right? I know, and I won't even require you to submit a claim to your insurance company.

Well if you haven't lost your appetite yet... I'll share the soup recipe with you. You can't let a little injury stop you from creating a culinary master piece.

Spicy Chicken & Peanut Soup
"A thick & warming vegetable soup, flavored with cayenne pepper and peanuts"

Ingredients:
2 tsp oil
1 large onion, minced
2 garlic cloves, crushed
1 tsp mild ground cayenne pepper (I added 2 tsp 'cuz I like it spicya!!!)
2 red bell peppers, seeded and minced
1 1/2 cups minced carrots
1 1/2 cups finely chopped potatoes
3 celery stalks, sliced
4 pre-cooked chicken breasts, chopped
3 3/4 cups vegetable stock (I substituted chicken broth)
6 TBS crunchy peanut butter (*hint* 3 TBS = 1/4 cup so use 1/2 cup)
2/3 cup whole corn kernels
salt and pepper to taste (1 tsp salt & 4 tsp pepper)
chopped unsalted roasted peanuts to garnish

Cooking Instructions:
1. Heat the oil in a large pan. Add the onions & garlic, cook about 3 mins, or until the onions are soft. Add the cayenne pepper and cook for a 1 min longer.

2. Add the red peppers, carrots, potatoes and celery. Stir well and cook for 4-10 mins longer stirring occasionally.

3. Add the vegetable stock, peanut butter, chicken breasts and corn kernels, stirring until thoroughly combined.

4. Season well (salt & pepper) and bring to a boil. Cover and simmer for about 20 - 30 mins until all the vegetables are tender. Adjust the seasoning before serving, sprinkle with the chopped peanuts.

Serves 6 - I doubled the recipe and it made a huge batch. But it was DELICIOUS!!!

Bon Appetit!

What Chemo Means to me

I've been wanting to write this blog for a while, but it's never easy reliving one of the chemo days. Chemo is a very general term, but in the basic sense of the word it refers to the treatment of disease by chemicals that kill cells, specifically those of micro-organisms or cancer. (Thank you Wikipedia) Basically it's "medicine" that the inject intravenously and kills any and all cells that multiply at a fast rate & don't let them reproduce. Well that's how I understand it...

Anyway, I because every one's regime is different I thought I would outline mine.

Day 1

• Up early (well early for me) to shower and dress in sweats (the only highlight)
• Head to Rochester, MN about an hour Drive - oh yea and on day 1 I get a coffee treat
• Head to Gonda 10 E lab for blood work
• Hour break
• Walk over to Gonda 10 S (just a different desk) to see Dr. Allan Bryce - that visit usually takes about a half hour. We chit chat about the past cycle, whatever illness I had in between rounds and he always looks at my hands an feet
• Then it's back to Gonda 10 E to start chemo at about 11 a.m. And by this point in the day I've already verified my date of birth (yes that's how they say it) about 90 times
• I get a room with a bed and a TV and a warmer to put around my hand, helps to reduce the pain and make my veins bigger. They start an IV, which even though sounds simple can sometimes be a process.
• It takes a little while to get the first chemo drug because they can't mix it up before hand. Every patients drug amount is different and they can't chance wasting the drug because it's so expensive.
• A huge syringe filled with red liquid comes. That's called adriamycin a.k.a the red devil. They push that into my IV and I turn red and start feeling sick. Plus while this is going on, they want me to either suck on Popsicles or ice chips.
• Then they give me mesna. This is a small little bag of clear fluid that hangs and takes about 15 mins to go in. I have to take this one to help protect my kidneys and bladder.
• This is when they give me my second chemo drug, Ifosfamide. This also hangs and goes into my IV but takes 4-5 hours to drip in. I'm awake for maybe the first 1/3 of it and then usually I pass out to try to avoid feeling sick.
• After that all goes in, I get another bag of Mesna. Then it's into a wheel chair and heading home. Maybe a pit stop to throw up in the parking lot... just sometimes though :)
• 4 & 8 hours after all my drugs at Mayo I get more Mesna to take at home. If I can't keep it down for 30 mins I have to go to the ER to get more.

Day 2 - I go through the EXACT same process all over again.

I should mention that Day 2 is a little bit easier only in the fact that I don't do blood work and meet with the doctor again. I just start the chemo right away. There are more details too, like I have to use a wheel chair to get from the garage to the 10th floor, I pretty much sleep the whole day, and I don't get as excited about wearing sweats. But that's mostly just because I get angry that I have to stand up to put them on... Oh and no coffee treats the second day either.

I typically don't have visitors come during the chemo. Mostly just because it's so emotional and I never know how I'm going to feel. Plus it's just hard to have people see you like that and it's just easier to get through if there aren't any expectations... but I love when people want to hang out with me afterwards!!!

It's hard to even write this blog because just thinking about the 2 days in my head kinda makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. And I'm pretty sure I'm never eating a Popsicle again in my life!!!! Especially if it's red or blue - ICK!

So now you all know, that's what chemo means to me.

24 In Style

My Birthday!

Is pretty much my favorite day of the year. I mean if we're really honest with our selves, we all love attention. And the best thing about your birthday is you don't have to pretend to be modest about it - really it can just be all about you :) It is too bad that it only lasts 24 hours though... goes so quick.

Anyway mine was celebrated in true fashion this year. Definitely not how I would have imagined it... but more than wonderful none the less. Day 5 post chemo is usually my first good day, plus I think I was even feeling better due to the birthday excitement. Most of the morning was spent catching up with good friends on the phone. Then my first trip out of the house since going in... mind you it was to the dump to drop off a mattress, but out of the house none the less. Then it was up to the carriage house for a little "lunch" (sure Mrs. Guthrie, just give me uh 20 mins) and a long afternoon nap!

When I awoke, the fun began! Anna, Tonia, Julie, Cain and Thao all came down from the cities to help me celebrate! Then Teri T and "the hot neighbor" came over for the bonfire. We dined on wild rice cheese soup and 2 amazing desserts, chocolate Philadelphia cream cheese cake & pumpkin cheese cake - YUM!!! Once we were all knee deep in wrapping paper from all the pjs, slippers, massage gift certificates, and cards (even the awkward ones...) the bonfire started.

Now I really do wish I could divulge all of the secrets that were discovered around the campfire... but... our backyard is kinda like Vegas. So I guess if you're not already in the "know"... you'll have to come have a bonfire with us and find out!

For the love of blogging

Well the plan was to blog about my birthday today. But it seems that fate has other plans for me & this story. So dunnnnn dunnnnn dunnnnnnnnnnnnn the plot thickens....

Well actually not really. It's just that somehow over the course of the last 48 hours I've managed to get pink eye. So not fun to have your eye continually draining... Also the reason I can't really blog much. It's just that my stomach is already a little queesy and I can only wear one contact, so the combination produces a person who is throwing up with no depth perception. Which isn't funny, unless you think people tripping is funny...

Which I think.... is funny. Anyway, they definitely go in the same category. But either way maybe I'll get the opportunity to blog about my birthday tomorrow.

As some of you may remember a sickness descended upon during my first round of chemo as well... pneumonia. So my clever bff did some detective work for me today amidst supporting her customers and found that there are quite a few other types of diseases that start with "P" such as pancreatitis, papilloma, parapangloima, Parkinson's, pelvic inflammation, phantom limb, phobias, plague, pregnancy, pruritus and various psychotic disorders. So I'm taking bets on which "P" disease I might contract with Chemo - Round 3.

Ah well it's a good thing we have eye drops and I don't have any hot dates scheduled, yet! I think a couple more days in pj's and this eye will be doing just fine :)

Is It Thanksgiving?

Usually when I think about writting my blog I have one particular story or a couple of things in mind... but today I almost don't even know where to start because I want to write so much. Obviously I guess I've been feeling a little detached from life over the past 4 days.

So the question everyone has been asking - "Was the second round worse?" And I guess the answer is yes and no. Different parts were harder. It was nice to see the same familiar nurses faces & know the whole routine, so there was less of a sense of the "unknown". But knowing doesn't always make things easier... I feel like the 2 days in the hospitial were definetly harder this time. Plus I puked twice in the Mayo parking garage or if you must, structure. But then the recovery at home has been a little better. Family, friends and all the support really makes a big difference!!! I think also knowing that it was going to take me 5 days to get back on my feet again helpes. During the first round I would wake up everyday expecting/hoping to feel different. And really it is all about managing expectations...

I think that one of the wierdest things that Chemo does is it puts you in a survival mode like nothing else (Not that I have a lot to compare too...). But it's amazing because you have all this love and support around you & you can bearly even think about it, comprehend it or appreciate it when you're in the thick of it all. On sunday, I couldn't sit up right. I crawled up the stairs - on all 4s, then had to lay down. Then I brushed my teeth and had to lay down. Then I got my other pj's on, and had to lay down. It just really makes things seem so micro to what thoughts normally occupy our day & how we're able to look out and see the bigger picture. And it really confines you to only be able to think about maybe whats 5 mins in front of you. It's like you can't really even phantom that there's a larger world around you.

So anyway my whole point in writting that was twofold I guess... 1.) to let you know that sometimes if the biggest thing you get accomplished all day is brushing your teeth that's fine and 2.) I'm really thankful to be back in a spot where I can appreciate all the love and support around me. I've really been amazed and taken with the whole concept of a person's and people's capacity to care.

So the last one was kinda random, but that's kinda all I have to say about that. I'm still flushing out my thoughts about that so hopefully everyone gets the point. And really if not... I swear it's all the drugs I'm on still talking... :)

Round 2

Tomorrow morning starts my second round of chemo. Which really is just code for being one step closer to getting through all of this - which I'm looking forward too!

Getting ready for the next two days has been a little bit easier than last time. There is a lot less fear of the unexpected, and just more of a secure sense of knowing that I can survive and fight this thing. A couple of days ago I was getting ready and this feeling of, "bring it on, I'm ready to do this again", came over me and that was very reassuring.

I've really worked on my mindset over the past 10 days, trying to really think of the chemo as medicine that's going to make me healthy. And also try not to fight it so much, hoping that might make it a little bit easier. However, there is still some anxiety that doesn't go away. Mostly I just pray about that. And just try to be as courageous as possible, because really there just aren't any other options.

So let the ride begin again! :)

Weekend Review

Life has been so good the past couple of days. It's been great to have time to spend with friends and family while I've been feeling so good & more like myself.

I've gone on a long walk almost every day this past week, whether it's been with all the puppies or with friends to go eat or have coffee. The fall air weather has been so beautiful and it's just so refreshing to be outside. Plus my body loves starting to exercise again - but don't worry I'm not doing anything too crazy!

I was also able to squeeze in some retail therapy which was most helpful! Having new clothes to lay around in is so exciting! And I did get a new hat to go along with my stylish head. I've been wearing it a lot and not because I don't want people to see my head... but you get really chilly not having any hair. Boys... I don't' know how you do it.

Becca came to town on Saturday. She stayed with us on her journey moving west out to Montana. We had such a good time and she's such an amazing girl. I think I felt better just being around her. Plus it gave us an excuse to have another great bonfire in the back yard.

And today was just a great relaxing Sunday. A big brunch for breakfast and then watching all the football games. I think I might have to start cheering for a new team though... my boys in purple just aren't cutting it! Plus the 3 hour nap I took wasn't bad either... :)

I'm looking forward to having a couple more great days before treatment starts again on Thursday.

Pictures!

Here I am! And Anna too!

Yea! Becca from Baltimore comes to visit!

The backyard fire pit! Dedicated to me :)

Nothing Compares

Now all I need is a black turtle neck next and someone who wants to hold a camera right up in my face and I def could rival for the next Sinead O'Connor...

I am officially bald.

And actually I'm pretty okay with it. My head gets kinda cold so I'm breaking out the winter hat collection a little early... although it is getting colder and colder each day. Yesterday I was in the shower and clumps just started comming out (it doesn't hurt at all) and I was like s*it. I was already running late for a date with Yena Mae up in the cities so I just threw on clothes and ran out the door, wet hair and all. Pulled up to a Fantastic Sams and told them just to take it all off. The girl that buzzed it was really sweet about it. I couldn't really watch her cut off so i didn't. But when it was all said & done, I kinda liked the way it looked. $12 bucks & 20 minutes later I was back on the road again.

I'm not sure if I'll end up getting a wig or not. I guess it just will kinda depend on how things go and how I feel. And I already have quite the hat/scarf collection started so I'm sure I'll have lots of stylish options.

I'll try to post a picture tonight or tomorrow... We took the dogs running this morning and I still look a mess! Hey I'm sure Sinead got at least an hour in the make -up chair before her debut so I at least get a shower :)

The Joys of Living at Home

There are many many many wonderful things to be said about moving back home. There is the joy of being around family, having home cooked meals & the left overs, and lots of giggles while watching Friends or The Office. I really do honestly love being back. But I still love living in Balitmore more - shhhh don't tell

Last night as I was finally feeling better, one of my good guy friends from the cities came down to watch a movie and hang out. It was really sweet of him to come down and see my house and spend sometime with my parents and all that. My parents went off to the carriage house to watch a movie and we started ours. It started getting late so of course so i told him to stay and drive back (he lives an hour away, yes everything is an hour away) in the morning.

So CA came back in the house after the movie and while we're in the kitchen (thankgoodness out of each shoot from said friend) I told her, friend was staying the night.
And knowing the next words out of her mouth would be, "Great I'll fix up the couch". I just said, "Oh no big deal friend will just sleep in my bed". (It's a king size & I'm pretty small)
She responded, "Oh I didn't know you and friend were intimate".

It was one of those things that you look at your parent and think really how in the world am I suposed to respond to that statement?

I still CRACK up laughing thinking about all the different things I could have said. Later I just told her that she was sending me mixed messaged. You know one day telling me all about how she wants grandchildren and then the next putting up a little protest about me sleeping in bed with a boy. And she's a nurse so she knows how that all has to work. It's just not good parenting.


**Disclaimer** In order to continue to love living at home, I did get CA's permission to blog this story. But you can still feel free to tease her about it...

Updates!

Well first off apologies for not writing yesterday seems i was all worried about nothing exciting happening that someone decided i needed some more excitement in my life. Yesterday was a pretty hard day, i spiked a 101 fever in the afternoon and this soon after chemo - that's not a good thing. So off to the doctor we went per oncologist orders. Well I'm sure they loved me there... all i wanted to do was sleep through the exam. I was also quite stubborn about having to walk the 10 ft to the bathroom and to the chair to get my blood drawn... both things i think could have fully been accomplished while lying down. Well maybe...

After the doc exam, i had to sit up and breathe it was horrible, they decided x-rays were necessary. I was like great you can just move that big machine right over my body and put that lead thing over me... although i do already have cancer... but oh no they require you to stand. Who thought of that!?!?! And did they not understand. I guess when i kept collapsing they sorta started to get it. It's not like i was trying to make my body feel like it was on fire or black out... know what it was... probably that damn shot they gave me in my a**, i hear that makes people back out all the time. Help me understand how i could have shown them more value in keeping me in the horizontal position...

More medical highlights from the doc - fever spiked at 102.8, they think it might be phenmonuia (and no i'm not getting that because it's cold in MN), my white blood cell count is .93 and normal is around 10, and i'm another 10lbs ligher. Wow - those are qutie the stats, all that football watching is wearing off...

So that was the super fun adventure at the downtown clinic in Red Wing. I was happy to get home and not assume a vertical position untill today. Today has been better I've still had a fever all day but at least my energy is beginning to come back a little bit & I showered (dang being stinky). I hope tomorrow will be even better and that the antibaoticos will keep kicking whatever infection i have in my body.

Hoping Something Happens

Having a blog is kinda funny - because you have to write about something. Which implies that something has to happen. And lately with me, that really hasn't been the case.

(Yes there was the whole first round of chemo...but come on... even US weekly has moved on to putting someone other than Sarah Palin on the front cover).

Yesterday was an awesome day though. First day out of house since the first round and it was beautiful. I went for a wonderful Harley bike ride out to lunch and then on a fun walk with the puppies. **Piper - I totally get know what you mean when you say Moses walks you.** Then we had one of the most beautiful fires in MY backyard fire pit, complete with best friends Anna & Tonia, Mom & Jeff, Mojitos (I abstained! thank you!) and an awesome view of the stars. Baltimore city still has a ways to go to compete with that view...

All in all I am feeling better and more back to myself. I equate it to just one of those Saturdays where you just lay around the house because you just don't quite have the energy... :) So I just try to stay as honest and true to my body - walking when i can, stretching to keep limber, resting when I'm tired and all in all staying strong!

P.S. I would just like to apologize to someone who once told me he could not stand straight, bend over and touch his feet... I'm now in that boat and wish to retract my previous snicker & judgement! Pretty soon he'll be running FULL marathons around me...

Home Town Photos

The Best Coffee in Red Wing

See, Gustavus really does exist!

Pretty Red Wing! Down by the River

Back!

Bright Green seems like quite the cheery color for this occasion! So I'm back from the dead... or at least it feels like it.

The past 72 hours have been quite the roller coaster ride and not like the kind they have at Valley Fair (which is soon turning into ValleySCARE - if that entices any one to come and visit!)

So after Thursday night, there wasn't anything very exciting to report. Friday was better - only because i was able to just completely sleep through the entire thing. It's just easier if you're not watching the painfully slow drip or the needle in your hand...Not even the cable TV (which we do not have at Chateau de CA) or the popclices could keep me awake. Saturday was more sleeping. We did have to run to Urgent Care to get a shot of Neulasta (not the sleeping med) to get my white blood cell count up. It's quite the standard follow up shot so nothing to noteworthy there...

It was great to have some fun visitors over the weekend. Cal was home and Jules came down from the cities. Although i felt bad that i slept through most of their visits...

Today I was finally feeling a little bit better (hence being able to sit up for more than 3 mins & blog). I sat out side for a while this morning & even had a craving for a certain pumpkin beverage... CA has also been quite influencial in making sure i'm setting (& achieving) goals each day. Ummm seems that crazy EQ is just rubbing off on everyone these days. Happy to report that I have now sucessfully accomplished all 3 today

1. Shower - I was kinda becoming the stinky kid...
2. Read 1 chapter in my book - What Should I do with My life?
3. Blog
4. Also I did about 20 min of Cat/Cow, Forward Fold and Child's Pose to help with my 93 yr old back...

WOW look at me still being an over achiever :)

I miss everyone so much & can't wait to personally catch up with each one of you. All the texts, calls & cards are SOOOOOOOO APPRECIATED!

Day 1 of 12

I can't fucking believe i have to do this shit again tomorrow.

And then 10 more times after that... I'm in definite need of some sort of apple count down poster with a large stick & marker...

Its so hard to let them poke you and prod you when you know you're just going to feel shitty in a about an hour. Plus some of them can't even poke that well... I know & completely understand that's what makes you better in the long run. But it seems so counter intuitive to let people make you feel worse before they make you feel better.

Plus what is with the nurses... they all walk in and ask "How are you feeling?"

What in the F kind of trick question is that? So it seems the aproppriate response would be "Fine" as most people say - but then my question is who the fuck is fine in that situation? (Correct Answer - NO ONE!) Plus they know what they're putting in you... And it's not a drug for the plecibo effect...

But then when you say something along the lines of "Eh a little tired" it's like the thought on their face is like "common who isn't, i mean I'm at work too..." so mostly i just keep that thought to my self & share it with everyone online :)

So the last guy that came in and asked me (Disclaimer - i was on A LOT of drugs by that point) He was like "How ya feeling?" and i said does anyone every just flat out say "shitty". He kinda laughed and was like yea... ya they do sometimes. SO that's how i feel groggy, drugged, exhausted, tired, all around just kinda shitty.

And just in case anyone out there thinks I'm complaining... I'm not - just giving open, honest & direct feedback to what I'm going though :) Thank you for all the texts, cards & phone calls in support of today! It's helped more than you will know... Off to another day of battle tomorrow - don't worry my Team Annie shirt is the perfect Armor!!!

Short Hair

SHORT HAIR!!!!
Okay so it's true... I don't look like a boy

Thoughts

Night is a strange part of our day
There isn't much to interrupt our thoughts
'cept the anxious crickets and the intrusive moon
Minutes seem like hours
And a mania that would be a coward during the day finds false courage at night

You can't think straight
But your thoughts are your only crocked guide
Leading you to a reality that no one should have to realize
And just because you don't think about it
It doesn't slow it's coming

And it's not that you hate the night
The indescribable splashes of color during the sunset
And the magical beauty shining from the stars
You just wish the day didn't have to end so soon

The Last Hur-rah!

The rest of the trip to MI was AMAZING! The wedding couldn't have been more beautiful - despite the monsoonal type down pour that occurred 79% of the day. Coli & Jon's families and friends were so much fun to be around - especially my aisle date Jason. However i did not catch the bouquet (not that it was thrown) and resisted all urges to run out and drag a man down the aisle. The highlight of the trip was probably when i bit an unknown and unsuspecting man in the back after consuming 5 dirty martini's at the grooms dinner...ummmm... well in my defense i hadn't had dinner yet AND it was my last big night out for a while :) And it's not like i ripped his shirt or left a bruise on his arm...

The trip back home was quite an experience - mostly i slept in the back seat due to sever exhaustion of being out danced by the bride and the torture corset dress... (think Carol Ann with the alterations lady continually saying "i think it needs to be a little tighter...grrrrrrrrrr) Oh and then there was the whole we almost drowned in Gary Indiana due to FLASH floods, who knew that state could even get 48 inches of rain in 48 hours!?!?!?! And we saw lots of lakes that Garmin did not account for & many cars in gullies. Plus if you want to know my honest opinion - "NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE" should ever have to die in Gary... i mean common... I know God has a sense of humor and all but really I already have cancer**...

AND the next big announcement - i have short hair. Now agreed it was short before, but still long enough where i thought i might have an excessive amount of mini heart attacks when it started to come out... so i said bring on the next Mia Farrow look alike. Amy it's semi you in your Grateful Dead days... :) The inspiration came from Sienna Miller and Keira Knightly and both of those women are smoking hot so I just keep telling my self that I don't look like a boy. (And for you visual learners out there... photos will be loaded very soon!)

Chemo starts on Thursday. I have to be there at 7:15 so that means the wake up call is somewhere around 5:00 a.m. jeeze feels like a QFY day or something like that (so wish it was...) So Blood work is first and then an exam by Dr. Larson (hopefully he's semi Mc Dreamyish...) and then 5 hours of poison pumping. I don't think i would describe my self as scared... yet... but I am looking forward to knowing that no matter what I'll get to be on the AD call for sure! & i always have a good day after that :)


**Disclaimer - That's still funny...

Dom Dom Da Dom...

Maybe my new nick name should be Road Trip Rebel or Cross Country Connoisseur... we (Won-ton, Randall 1 & Randall 3) all just made it safe and sound to MI. So we can lock an load our all night road trip = SUCCESS!!!

Although we really couldn't have done it with out the help of lamas, sheep, cows, horses, sleepy semi's (YOU LOOK SLEEPY!), 90 OR 94? 90 OR 94?, more 50 cent detours, text messages, the ipod, "where, where is the city?", fresh fries from Hardees at 3:00 a.m. & all of our previous road trippin experience to help guide us.

All is well and the To-Do lists are in order on the Meyer homestead. I'm so happy & excited for J and N to celebrate their big day! Boys - no need to worry... i am walking down the isle but not to the man of my dreams so the position is still available :) (although in very high demand...and not that avilable) And even though stress levels are ranging from 1 to 10 and there was almost a death in the family due to a "Gustie" incident... it's also amazing to be in the presence of True Love. And I think that everyone should be so lucky to find their soul mate. Eh and if you don't just have lots of fun celebrating with those who think they have :)

Just in case you were wondering... I really can't beat the AOD in regards to nicknames. Every time i hear it i can't help but think of my favorite people in the world... and even though I'm now sharing their time zone again (makes me feel closer), I was a pretty sleepy camper at 8:02 this morning... so this updated blog will have to suffice!

Bex, Em, Jen & Lana

Snake oil and roses, pockets of dirt
Hand of a fortune teller's song
Young love shaking the earth
Like a heart shot out of a gun

Lips like gravity, pull me under
Reckless weather on his breath
Smells like rain, hits like thunder
A storm is coming, I've got nothing left

So we run, yeah yeah yeah we run
Come undone like a string on a sweater
That you pull but you know better
But doing what you shouldn't's half the fun
So we run

Fire and laughter, fence posts flying
Feel the fever in the air
Can't remember what came before him
And what comes after I don't care

Hands are trembling, I swore I wouldn't
One more look and I'll give in
A hundred reasons why I shouldn't
But I lost my heart in wanting him to win

So we run, yeah yeah yeah we run
Come undone like a string on a sweater
Old enough and should know better
But doing what you shouldn't's half the fun
So we run, na na na na....

I hear the leather on his voice
It's a calling not a choice and I can't keep myself
from following the sound
Yeah, you may never know how fast that you can go
Til someone lifts your feet up off the ground

So we run, yeah yeah yeah we run
Come undone, yeah yeah yeah undone
So we run, yeah yeah yeah we run
So we run, yeah yeah yea we run
Na, na na na....

A few of my favorite things

WOW so the last 48 hours have been so AMAZING!


My goal is to post everyday (although that rule was set by someone else) ... & I only get two skips in the next 90 but I'm thinking that those are only if i don't feel good and the past couple of days I've felt more than great... Although CA did tell me i looked tired again today... maybe she just kinda forgot what i looked like on a daily basis :)


The feedback & support I've been getting from everyone in regards to the blog has been so superb! And everyone has said how wonderful that i have such an upbeat attitude... but the real question is... who wouldn't be happy if they were surrounded by the following things?

After spending Saturday night with Anna & Tonia - I learned a very valuable lesson, I do not heart beading. And drinking more wine does not help the process move in a faster fashion. HOWEVER Sunday morning Eggs Benedict & Starbucks is motivation...


Family is oh so important! Jules and I headed down to kato swinging by Emma Krumbies (which, in my humble opinion, should be renamed Emma Crappies) but seeing Grandma was so wonderful! There is no feeling on earth that compares to being at home with Grandma Ann (yep - my name sake) Also seeing the Otto family was so nice! And learning that your distant relative (who shall remain nameless...) may or may not have been addicted to boys & accompanying activities over mouth watering homemade banana cream pie was pretty entertaining... (Cue all of my friends saying - "ahhhh now that makes so much sense why Annie is the way she is..." what can i say it runs in the family!)


Then instead of rhubarb pie for breakfast we opted for delicious rhubarb coffee cake! Headed out to two of my favortie home away from homes - that's right - Home of the wonderful Gustavus Rouser! Gustavus Adolphus College - oh my Alma matter... how beautiful you are! And then the best part of St. Peter, River Rock Coffee! My true second home. My heart was about to burst with happiness walking in to my fav little independently owned coffee shop! And then eating the turkey club, balsamic dressing, latte & a hermit... words can not describe the LOVE!!! Really my GAC degree should read Major in Communication Studies Minor in Coffee Shop Management & Development (P.S. I can't wait to put our entrepreneurial skills to use... cement business?)


And more of my favorite things... the trip to the little organic and independently owned apple orchid (Go Jim!), car washing, bloodymary & beer drinking, spicy garlic wing eating, target-time-wasting, EP Marathon shopping, Vikings losing football watching, outside grilling, blue sky morning, 1st pumpkin coffee of the year tasting and veggies from the farmers market lunching...


HONESTLY who wouldn't be loving life with all of my favorite things? (Where is that Julie Andrews... i need some new clothes... and CA wants to get rid of these curtains...)




So reality says that i have to start chemo in one week and a day (9/18)... really that's the last thing on my mind. My to-do list is never short (although maybe if i wrote it in french...) and really I'm just very excited about wearing my pretty dress and the journey that Coli is starting this weekend! Can't wish them the best enough...


So the conclusion that I've come to is that as i move forward and when i have a crappy day - I'll just continue to do/have my favorite things around me and i know that will help! So let me know if there are any other favorite things i should add to the list... :)

Home Just for the Holidays

Today was def a good day. And it wasn't good because of one huge event or some naked person jumping out of a cake for your birthday... just good in a very ordinary way.

It was really nice just to be able to do some quote un quote normal things, coffee & bacon for breakfast (hold the eggs), dress fitting, farmer's market - rival's harbor east and running to the meat market. It was just a lazy saturday and not because i was sick and not feeling well... but just because. And it was just nice to feel like myself.

Today it's been so much easier to deal with the whole realization of Chemo. But just like i thought... even though we got some answers... there are always more & more questions...But i did get some amazing advice today "there is no wrong choice". Wow - what a mindset shift!!! Every time my mind starts to wonder to "what if's" & "how do you know" type questions, i just keep coming back to that.

Well there is always more time to think about that over coffee and eggs benedict tomorrow morning! Sweet dreams!

Spindle Cell Sarcoma

I'm wondering if "Good News/Bad News" works in this type of situation... ummm maybe too soon

So here we go. It's hear and it's real. Chemo.

Bad News:
It was weird hearing that i have cancer - it didn't really seem real because it's one of those things that everyone knows what it is... but not really. Hearing that I have to have Chemo was very very very very very different.

Mostly I don't really know what to say about it... although my bracelet does sum it up pretty well "Cancer Sucks". And i didn't really cry until they said I'd lose my hair - but bald Brittney Spears jokes will still be funny (http://www.cancerisnotfunny.com/top10chemobaldness.html) & it seems crazy that of all the information i found out today... that was the piece that made me break down & cry.

Ah I keep trying to type things on here and then decide to delete them... everything just seems so not right to say. I am sad & mostly i just wanted to be out in Baltimore tonight dancing on the pool table at Cladaughas...

But after the 2 hour meeting with the oncologist, the meeting with the fertility specialist (which who knew at single & 23 you had to decided you wanted to have kids) & the ecocardiogram i was pretty much just exhausted and now I'm home in my pink slippers & an RWFB hoodie about to go and get ice cream.

Doc B wants to start chemo on the 18th - good thing Nicole didn't wait an extra weekend for the wedding. Then it's 4 - 6 rounds... each round is 2 days in the hospital with Chemo given intravenously then 19 days of "lets see what that does" & the cycle begins again. However my doc, in a very round about way, did say that if the THC works... Good thing I've been watching lots of Weeds!!! Good news is that whoever said back to EQ by Q1 09 - one of the few times they get to be right...

So keeping within in the Good News/Bad News format here are additional pieces of Good News:

• All my scans came back clean
• I can keep doing yoga & running - although training for a marathon is not advised
• If I'm feeling shitty (swear word for you know who) i can eat all the ice cream i want - hence this evening's treat
• I'll have a great excuse to read all the books I've ever wanted to read
• I'll have the time to send entertaining text messages to people while they are at work
• Home for the Holidays
• I found a talior that's willing to refit my size 14 dress into my new size 10 body in the next 72 hours... so now Coli doesn't have to kill me on her wedding weekend...
• My parents are hippies so the whole "medical weed" shouldn't be a parental issue
• I have the most AMAZING friends, family, & support system of anyone. I'm completely overwhelmed by the love, care, understanding, compassion & faith.

I wrote in yellow today because "sometimes you just want to wear a yellow shirt when you wake up in the morning" & I just wanted to feel sunny. :)